Starting Monday…a journey to the finish…

So I have a problem.  A huge problem, as a matter of fact.  It has to do with food and sleep.  Here’s the situation, and there are 2 parts to it:

Situation 1)  I come home from work completely exhausted, and (accidentally) end up falling asleep…for generally no longer than 30 mins.  Upon waking up, I am completely and totally ravenous, and will eat anything in my path.  More often than not (oh who am I kidding…practically every single time) it’s carbohydrates…simple, bad for you, carbohydrates.  I don’t understand where this compulsion comes from, but it feels like sleep  brings it on full force.

Situation 2)  I go to sleep at a reasonable hour (generally 11pm) and wake up a few hours later to use the bathroom.  Upon waking, I have this insatiable urge to eat sweets…I’m talking anything I can get my paws on…especially cookies.  And then I have the audacity (keep in mind I’m half asleep while I’m doing this) to wash it down with a cold glass of milk.

What in the world is going on?  I never do this during my waking hours…why would sleep bring on this incessant need?  I’ve wondered in the past if I might be diabetic…or have a thyroid problem…something that could explain this weird neurosis of mind.  But alas, I’m find.

Has anybody ever experienced anything like this?  If so, were you able to overcome it, and how?  Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks folks! 

I come into work today, and this is what I get to contend with?  In fact, this lovely display is located right at the end of my row of cubes, and in order to get out, I have to walk right past?  Jeez.  I say we outlaw food celebrations for birthdays in the workplace from now on.  Think we could get this passed?  :)  (Yup, I’m crabby today.  Hooray!)

PS..I start work at 9am…who in their right mind eats frickin potato chips at 9am?  Ugh!!

I wrote this a few months ago, and they all still ring true.  In fact, I think I might add a few as I go.  Let me know your thoughts on these, folks.

“*First and foremost, I want to get rid of this giant, oversized roll of human flesh that dangles ever so ungracefully from my middle.  I loathe this thing more than math class, Paris Hilton, and current gas prices combined.  It is the most hideous creature to ever have the displeasure of adorning somebody’s body.  In fact, my body wouldn’t be nearly as repulsive if I didn’t have it.  From now on, I will refer to it as the beast.

*I want to have hot ass amazing, blow your mind sex.  I want to have sex so insanely powerful that the police have to be called because my neighbors think somebody is attacking me.  (I’m talking from the volume people).  I want to be able to explore positions that don’t remind you of a K-9, or make you look as though you are melting.  (You know what I’m talking about…leaning forward…skin saaaaaaaaags down.  You’ve got the mental picture.)  I want to look forward to sex…not dread it.  

*I want to be able to say, “I have a wedding to go to next month,” and go to the store, any store, and purchase a dress.  I don’t want to have to buy an accompanying undergarment that gives the illusion of a smooth silhouette.  I don’t want to have to purchase special tape to keep “certain things in place” because the damned sorry ass excuse for a dress just doesn’t fit properly.  I don’t want to be hobbling by the end of the night because my fatass is too heavy to be wearing heels for an extended period of time.  I want to look hot.  Does that sum that one up?

*I want to be wanted.  I want to walk around in public and have guys pay attention to me because of how incredibly gorgeous I am.  Not because of how incredibly fat I am.  I want to feel desired.  (Now people, don’t get me wrong…I’m in a happy, long term relationship.  But, for self esteem reasons…it’s nice, you know?)  I want to be hit on…this is something I’ve never experienced…at least that I’m aware of.  (I’m pretty sure about this…I like to think I’m a fairly observant person.)  Every bf I’ve had has been “found” via the internet.  I’m not afraid to admit this now…in that past…a bit.  I had a little technique in which I became accustomed…and it worked.  I would charm them with my personality, slowing hinting at the fact that I wasn’t a looker….and then as they were totally in love with me mentally, I’d break the news to them physically.  I know it sounds a bit warped and twisted, but they would get to know me for me BEFORE they saw me.  And by the time they actually saw me, it didn’t really matter.  Now, I’m not saying there was anything wrong with that…and I found my bf just like that (we’ve been together over 51/2 years now)…sometimes I just wish things could have been more traditional.  Like…I didn’t have to go to such measures.  Anyhoo, I think you know where I’m going with this.  It would be incredible to feel desired by a total stranger.  Definitely put a smile on my face!

*I want to fly coach, and not have the beast hang over both armrests…allowing passengers on both sides of me to enjoy the comfort of their armrests for their arms….not my roll.  I can’t tell you how mortifyingly embarrassing this is.  The times I’ve had this happen, my fellow passengers were generally pretty gracious about it…but still.  (And I didn’t have enough nerve to ask them if I could put the armrests up because my fat roll hanging over the sides was incredibly uncomfortable.  Just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  (Luckily I’ve not experienced the seatbelt extender.)  I never flew at my heaviest…and luckily, I have no problems fitting into the airplane seatbelt.)   

*I want to be able to cross my legs, and look sexy doing so.  Not this half assed lean that I currently do…I call it the “fat girl crossing.”  Yes, techinically they’re crossed, but you practically have to hold your breath to keep them there.  Think “Basic Instinct.”

*I want to be able to find jeans that fit me.  Once and for all.  I want to go into a store, say “Yes skinny little 17 year old high school trixie working at the Gap, I need a size 10.”  I want to put on those jeans, and have them enhance my amazing figure.  I don’t want to buy another pair of jeans with the mentality “at least they zip.”  I can’t tell you how many pairs of jeans I own that are way too huge in the ass, and too long, but fit me snugly in the waist because I have this oddly shaped freak body.

*One word: Abercrombie.

*I want to go to Dairy Queen and order the biggest hot fudge sundae, covered with nuts and whipped cream, complete with a cherry on top, and not get looks of disgust and disbelief from fellow patrons.  I’m tired of going and purchasing a 60 cal fat free sugar free fudge bar.  (Now people, don’t get me wrong, I adore the fudge bar.  It’s great. And great for you.  And I know the hot fudge sundae goes against EVERYTHING this blog stands for…but hell…everybody needs a hot fudge sundae every once in a while.  It’s only human!) 

*I want to go to a club and dance.  I want to dance and not feel self conscious about it.  I don’t want to be the loser fat girl standing against the wall, looking on while every other thin girl has a great time.

*I want to not automatically dislike every skinny girl I meet.  It’s horrible of me, I know.  But it’s like a programmed mental reaction within me…it’s something I just can’t seem to help, and it’s pathetic.  I want to stop judging these girls because of what they look like.  (A bit hypocritical, I know.  I never said I was perfect.)

*I want self esteem.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to love myself.  I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, not cringe.  I want to wakeup happy, and look forward to another day on Earth, not dread it. 

*I want to be in public, and not think everybody is laughing at me, or talking shit about me.  (I know this sounds a bit neurotic, and really, it’s not.  A tad bit paranoid…perhaps.  A healthy dose of paranoia never hurt anybody.)  I want to not automatically assume the worst, at all times.

*I don’t ever want to walk into a Lane Bryant for the rest of my life.  Ever.

*I don’t want to be a fat bride.  (Marriage is a long way off for me…but it might happen…someday.)

*I want to be happy.

That’s just a brief list…and if I had all the time in the world, I could probably go on forever.  But I’ll stop for now.  I’m curious to hear your reasons. 

Indulge me.

So…I woke up this morning at 6am…and literally needed a crane to get myself out of bed.  I was in one of those deep sleeps…the kind where you’d love to take a sledgehammer to the alarm clock every 5 minutes…you know what I mean.  So, I needed something to get my ass going…as I was on my way to go lift at my favorite place in the world, the rec.  I decided to try one of those intriguing little bottles of 5 Hour Energy I see placed so temptingly close to the register at 7-11.  (Let me tell you, for $3.00 a 1oz bottle, I better be frickin Superman after the last sip.)   I drank that puppy in 3 seconds flat…and it was interesting.  It was very smooth…and had a hint of a berry flavor to it.  I proceeded to do my lifting at the rec, and noticed that time seemed to be moving very slowly.  I somehow managed to finish my workout in 30 mins…and had an extra 5 mins to spare.  So…I stopped at Dunkin Donuts to get my coffee (just what I needed, more caffeine)…and proceeded to go home, shower, dress, and eat breakfast…AND I STILL HAD TIME LEFT OVER!!  I had no idea why time seemed to be going to frickin slow…and how I was getting everything done so quickly.  And then it hit me…I WAS TOTALLY DOPED UP ON THAT 5 HOUR ENERGY!!  My God!!  I usually don’t believe those energy concoctions work very well, but I can definiately vouch for this one.  I was flying around like I was on damned speed getting things done like there was no tomorrow.  And here’s the best part….there was no crash.  Yet, at least.  It’s now 2:12pm.  I leave work at 5:30.  If I don’t post for a few weeks, it’s because I’m currently unemployed and looking for a job because they fired my ass for falling asleep at the desk because my 5 Hour Energy left me high and dry and I crashed like a giant frickin boulder coming down a mountain.  How about that for a run-on sentence? 

…to help clean out the fridge, and start fresh on plan, is there? Yup, us Chicagoans had the worst storm this past Thursday, and were without power until 7:30pm Sunday evening. What a lovely 4 days that was…seriously…we don’t realize how much we completey rely on today’s technologies, and conveniences until they aren’t there. On the flip side, this storm brought out all the neighbors from the cozy shell of their homes, and we were forced to interact with one another. Everybody was outside doing manual labor, getting fresh air, some sun…and most importantly, exercise. It was odd…when you looked down my block…it looked like we had a giant blizzard, but a blizzard of trees. This storm brought out the community in everybody, and we all worked together for the common good. I think what I appreciated most about this experience was that fact that we were forced to get off the couch and move around…breathe…get oxygen and exercise….and I loved it. Now don’t get me wrong…there’s nothing better than watching a great Seinfeld rerun every now and again…and just chilling out in front of the tube….but in moderation. I think this is the key factor that has brought on this extreme obesity epidemic in this country…Americans doing everything to extremes. It’s ok to sit and chill in front of the tv…but don’t do it for 4 hours at a time. Eat a few cookies…but only do it maybe once a week. And at the same time, balance out the “bad” with the “good.” I can’t even begin to tell you how great it felt to be outside these past few days doing work and getting exercise. Since we had no power, we were forced to work outside the house. Not only did I get up at 8am on a Sunday (unheard of usually) and go out and purchase a bicycle…but I rode it around the neighborhood looking at the carnage of the storm…and stopped to talk to some people along the way. I also mowed the lawn…something I haven’t done in…god..at least ten years. And you know what? It felt great. I never truly realized what an amazing cardio workout that is (I’m sure that since the grass was extremely long and wet due to the storm helped with that…but still.) In fact, if I get the remainder of my unpacking and sorting inside the house done while it’s still light out, you bet my happy ass is going to drag that lawnmower out and attack the front yard. (As soon as the lovely village hauls away the dozens of branches currently lying by the road. One thing at a time, I suppose.) I’m looking forward to it.

I apologize if this has been a total stream of consciousness post, but that’s how my mind is working this morning. This is my last day off before I return to work tomorrow, and I’m going to make the most of it..physically and mentally. My weight loss has been non-existent as of late, and I need something to jump start my motivation. I’m pretty confident that this power outage did the trick. 150 here I come!

So I decided to go for a bike ride last night.  I’m not quite sure what inspired me, but I did.  Now, I don’t have a bike of my own (mine got thrown out a few years ago when I was in college and my father went on a cleaning binge in the garage)…so I used my brothers bike.  It’s a brand new bike…really high quality…just a tad too tall for me.  But, I made it work.  Now, let’s think about this here for a second.  I haven’t ridden a bike for more than 5 consecutive minutes since I was…oh, maybe 14.  That my friends, was almost 12 years ago.  Despite that fact, I rode my bro’s bike for almost an hour…and had a total blast doing so.  Until I woke up this morning.  I feel like somebody kicked my ass in my sleep…(and decided to punch my in my…how shall I say this…nether regions?)  I’m 25 and sitting here at work, desperately wishing I had a freaking donut pillow.  Do you think my co-workers would laugh if I ran to the drugstore on lunch to purchase one, and then proceeded to blow it up right here in the office?  Good lord…I can only imagine the reactions.  I talked to a girlfriend of mine earlier this morning, and commented on how I really want to purchase a bike of my own, but don’t want to go through the excruciating agony of “sore bits” the next day.  She told me to get a bike with a banana seat.  Yep, a frickin mountain bike with a banana seat.  Why don’t I just permanently tatoo the word “Geek” onto my forehead?

I mean, why are you all so damned cool?  I know I sound like a total lame-o right now, but I’m speaking the truth.  Before I discovered Buddyslim, I used to post on another site of the same nature, but it was nothing like this.  The people who used that particular site (which shall remain nameless)  seemed more concerned with making their name sparkle…and adding tons of flashy (annoying, if you ask me) graphics….rather than the actual content of their posts.  Fast forward to this site.  Seriously, everybody here seems so down to earth…after reading everybody’s blogs, I feel like I know you all…is that completely bizarre, or does anybody have a clue where my crazy ass is coming from?    Stay cool people!  :) 

 In other news…I’m about 90% done moving….the unpacking is a very slow and gradual process…and frankly…as long as I have clean underwear that day, the rest of my clothes and shoes can remain in the garbage bags I packed them in.  (My ancestors were the Clampetts…you’ll have to forgive me.)  I’ve been moving furniture and boxes like crazy, so I ‘ve had tons of extra exercise in my day.  I can’t wait (seriously CANNOT wait) until I’m moved in. 

I made it the the rec this morning for a workout.  I couldn’t get myself there yesterday…I was too sore from moving furniture from Monday.  Anyhoo…when I got there at 6:45am Monday, all of the elderly folks had claimed all the good machines….so I was stuck using a crappy treadmill until a good one opened up.  Well, I knew I’d have to beat all of the old folks (does this offend anybody?) to the machines…so I got to the rec at 6:28am (opens at 6:30).  I saw one younger guy waiting outside the front doors…and then a second later, I could have sworn I saw one of the older guys come and open the door for him…like it was a huge secret, and he was sneaking the other guy in. (”Hurry up and get in here before all the good machines are taken.  I’ll sneak you in.  Just be quick about it!” I have such a crazy imagination at times…god forbid I ever put it into something useful, ya know?)  Well, I ended up getting on the elliptical for about 25 mins…then lifted for about 20 min.  (I had to be out of there by 7:15….I might be able to stretch it to 7:20 in the future.)  I much prefer working out at the rec vs the huge-ass gym.  I feel so much more comfortable…and as I mentioned in a comment on another gal’s blog…the people who come to the rec are their for a reason…not just to look cool.  My rec makes me happy.

Alright folks…I must be off for the day.  Alas, I am at work right now…and I suppose I should do something semi-productive.  Boo.  Have a great Hump Day! 

So, last week was a complete and total bust, needless to say.  I’m not sure if it was a combination of packing, having my lovely period, or my stupid ear bothering me, but I was eating crap food like my ship was going down.  Seriously, I haven’t eaten so much crap for days straight in ages…and I’m sure I paid for it royally…so I’m not getting on the scale.  Not for a little while, anywayz.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…it’s just a #….but it still screws with my head mentally…and I don’t need the added stress right now.  I’m in the process of moving home, and I definitely couldn’t handle any other bs at the moment, ya know?  Alas, today was a fresh start.

I planned on sleeping in, and then beginning the unpacking adventures, but the bf had to be up at 6am to leave for work…and of course, I was up too.  As I was walking him out to the car to say goodbye (he lives out of state, and we only see each other on the weekends…so goodbyes are a must in our relationship)…I saw one of our neighbors either preparing, or just returning from a run.  These neighbors of ours are kindly referred to as “The Perfects,” because frankly, they are.  Anyhoo…as I glimpsed this chick in physical mode, it inspired me not to return to the friendly confines of my bed, but to put on some workout gear, and head to the gym.  (By gym, I mean adorable little rec center through the park district, complete with 4 treadmills, one elliptical, and some various other prehistoric cardio machines.  My workout partners in this facility….well….I’d say ::other than myself:: the youngest person was roughly…oh…60.  They make me smile though… :)  So, I did 30 mins on the elliptical, 20 on the treadmill…and some crunches.  I was going to do some lifting as well, but I know I’m moving furniture later in the day, so I wanted to preserve some muscle strength for those adventures.  God I love moving.  Did I mention that cynical was my middle name?

So right now I’m sitting outside on the patio, drinking my coffee, and preparing to start the day.  (Took the day off from work…man I really need to win the lottery…I could get used to this not working stuff.)  Oh yeah, speaking of coffee.  I used to be a sweetner/creamer junkee.  I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that my morning coffee ran me at least 300 cals.  So, I found a great substitution.  Vanilla soy milk.  I personally think plain milk in coffee tastes like ass (I’m blundt as well…please don’t be offended…that’s just my personality…)…but vanilla soy milk gives coffee a sweet flavor with a hint of creaminess to it.  (And..I’ve read that soy protein helps aid in belly fat loss.  I can’t particularly vouch for this….but hell, it can’t hurt!  Try it…let me know what you think.

Well folks, I’m off to make some semblance of my bedroom…my clothes are currently sitting in garbage bags on my bedroom floor.  Have I mentioned how much I love moving?  :)  Have a great Monday!

Is it just me, or does life really balance itself out?  Last week I had such a great week…felt great…worked out 5x….was in a generally good mood…life was looking good.  Fast forward to this week.  My endless ear problem is bugging me yet again…my throat is scratchy (and I swear to god, I was just sick like a month ago.)….and I’m totally PMSing right now.  In fact, I should be getting the damned thing today…and I know that based on the amount of stupid potato chips I ate last night.  Ugh…I’m a wreck right now.  I haven’t stepped on the scale since Saturday…and I don’t dare.  I know it’s only a #…I know I know I know….but it still f’s with my head…and you all know what I mean.  I didn’t work out on Monday…but I spent all day painting and packing and doing manual labor…so I didn’t feel horribly guilty about it.  Yesterday…I couldn’t wake up until 8am…just enough time to shower and get my ass to work.  Ugh…I hate feeling like this.  I took a 20min walk during lunch…made myself get some form of exercise…and today I did a bit over 2 miles on the treadmill, and lifted for 20 minutes…I’m just feeling so shitty.  Eh…I’m getting off of my bandwagon.  Sorry to be so whiny…hope you’re all having a better day.

…and that trouble I speak of is a wedding…tomorrow. And this just isn’t any wedding…it’s the wedding of a co-worker, who has been giving me daily updates on the menu. (Can we say hazlelnut cake with a marshamallow topping, anyone?) Another key factor in her menu…in fact, I think everything is based around this one: bacon. It’s going to be trouble. Oh, and did I mention I’m seated RIGHT NEXT TO THE OPEN BAR? Trouble trouble trouble. I have absolutely zero willpower when it comes to weddings. None. Zilch. Nada. I think of it as a time to step away from the diet for a day, and celebrate. And it is. Probably not to the extreme that I do, but to a degree. So, I need to come up with a plan of action. And here it is: (this is completely extemporaneous, so bear with me…)

*I’m going to have a small, nutritious, low-cal breakfast. In addition, I’m going to drink a ton of water before the ceremony, because once I arrive, I doubt I’m going to drink any.

*Today, I’m working on packing up my apt. (Yep…I’m moving…moving home…as in parent’s house. Ok, I guess technically I should say Father’s house…as my mother is deceased…that just sounds weird though. Eh, this isn’t the place for that.) Anyhoo, (can I go off on a tangent, or what?)…I’m going to be burning mucho calories working around the apt, packing stuff. I’m not going to actually have a dedicated workout session…I worked out 5x this week…and doing an officialworkout on the weekends when I could be doing other things just pisses me off. I’m odd…I know. There will be no time tomorrow to get any exercise in…I have a hair appt (I’m f*ing lazy….I refuse to do my own hair. Hell, I want it to look good!) So, any exercise I get this weekend will be from packing.

*So, I was just thinking that I could burn major cals dancing at the wedding, but who in the hell am I kidding? I am as white and as lacking rhythm as a person could get. Hopefully there will be the electric slide, perhaps the chicken dance..but I’m kinda thinking there won’t be. (I’ve once been told that when I dance, my top half looks ok, but my bottom half looks like a seal out of water. I’m not kidding!) So dancing? No.

*Alcohol. I’ll admit it, I want to drink. I don’t necessarily want to get sloppy drunk, but I want to have a good time, all the same. I’m usually a beer girl, so I guess I could stick to that…at least I can keep a tally on cals ingested. But I tend to like to go with the fun drinks when I’m at a wedding (mainly because they’re free, and I’m f*ing cheap). Amaretto stone sours…Kahlua and Cream…the good, sugary stuff. I’m also a vodka fan, but I don’t want to do cranberry and vodka, because craberry juice, abliet, it’s good for your kidneys, is pure sugar. Perhaps I can do vodka and diet. (I’m trying to quit all artifical sweetners, too. Don’t even get me started on how bad all of that shit is for you.) Ugh, it’s a double edged sword. Any suggestions?

I guess I’ll just try and do everything in moderation…and move a lot. If in the end the scale goes back up a lb, so what? It’ll go back down. It’s only a #, after all. Well folks, it’s time to get my butt off the couch and get moving…have a great weekend!