Starting Monday…a journey to the finish…

I’m sad. I feel like a part of me is leaving…a very important part, and I don’t really know how to feel. I know that this relationship we’ve had over the past 26 years has had it’s ups and downs…but we’d always somehow manage to find common ground. Lately, we’ve been doing nothing but fighting. Constantly bickering back and forth…all day long…and sometimes we’d even cross paths in the middle of the night. She’s been an important part of my life for as long as I can remember…we need one another more than either one of us can describe, but sadly, the time has come. It’s time to say goodbye. Not necessarily for good…for long enough that we can both come to grips with our relationship. I rely on this friend at all hours of the day…constantly thinking about her. Pining for her. I need her more than I should, and the time has come.

Goodbye food.

Goodbye to my endless dependency on you. Goodbye to my desire. Goodbye to my ache. Goodbye to my obsessive compulsive need to think about you constantly. Goodbye to everything bad I’ve allowed you to do to me.

I will be starting a new relationship soon. A new friend is coming to town.

Fuel.

After much inner conflict and debate, I’ve decided to give up my dependency on food. Counting calories, fat, carbs, portions. I’m done with it. I’ve let it rule my life for way too long. It’s been an endless battle, a battle in which she became the ultimate victor.

Now before you organize an intervention for me, I’m not quitting food altogether. Believe me, I wish I could…but sadly, I do find that I’m a real bitch when my blood sugar is low…so eating will always be a part of my life. However, from here on out, it’s going to be food for fuel. I’m going to eat just enough for my body to survive…of course getting all of my necessary vitamins and nutrients.

I’m starting Medifast. I’ve been doing a great deal of research on just about every conceivable “diet,” and found that this is going to train me to eat to survive…not eat until I’m fat and happy. (Who coined that phrase, anyway? Nobody that I know of is fat AND happy. It contradicts itself. But I digress…) I’ve wasted enough time screwing around with every new diet that comes out on the cover of the latest magazines at the grocery store. I’ve wasted enough money buying various books, powders and pills.

I’ve wasted enough of my life being fat.

I’m done with “starting on Monday…”

I’m going to do it this time.  Come hell or high water I will lose this weight once and for all.  I’m tired of living in the future…when I secretly think to myself “life will be great once I’m thin.”  I’ve wasted so much time pining for a life that I envy in others.  It’s time for me to have the life, body, energy, and overall health that I know I deserve.

No more screwing around.  No more excuses.  I’m going to give it my all…and then some.

It’s not going to be easy…and I’m beginning to wonder if I can really do this.  But then I stop and think about all of the other obstacles in life that I’ve overcome…and I’m confident in the fact that if I truly put my mind to it, it can be done.  It’s a lifestyle change, and I know it’s going to be rough in the beginning, but I’ll perservere.

I have no other choice.

It’s now or never.

So I leave you with this.

“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”
Og Mandino

I did something very spontaneous…and I’m scared and nervous, yet excited at the same time.  I was searching through Craigslist on Monday, looking for an open volleyball or badminton (yeah, I said badminton.  I’ve always loved playing badminton, and have been itching to do so for a while now) nights…and stumbled upon an ad for a softball team looking for one more girl to complete the team.  The park district team I usually play for has had a full roster for the past few years, and has only needed me when they were short handed.  (Which pisses me off…I was one of the girls to start off that team…but I digress.)  So I ended up e-mailing “Casey,” the person that listed the add.  I mentioned that I’d love to play…that I played 12″ slow pitch through my park district for years…and played 2 years of fast pitch in hs.  I also mentioned…oh how did I put it?  “I’ll be honest…I’m a big girl and I’m slow as molasses on the bases. But I can throw, catch, and field.”  So, I received a response last night, saying that they would love to have me, and said I’d be their 1st base-gal.  (That’s what I wanted!)  I called “Casey” because the e-mail failed to mention what night we’d be playing on.  Turns out Casey is a guy.  I had no idea, but I automatically assumed that Casey was a girl.  It’s weird how your mind does that…just be reading the tone of an e-mail you assume something.  Anyhoo…our first game is April 29th…and I’m definitely nervous.  I haven’t thrown in a year…so I’ll be digging out the glove tonight…and bringing it to work tomorrow to do some practice throwing and grounders (with a racquetball, keep in mind) in our racquetball court here at work.  Here’s the weird thing…it’s 14″…I think he called it a ’mushball.’  In this league, the girls are allowed to wear a glove, but the guys aren’t.  I’m curious as to what a 14″ ball feels like…is is squishy like a 16″?  Let me know if anybody is familiar with this at all. 

 Anyhoo, I’m excited, and can’t wait to play again!  Maybe if the warm weather EVER arrives…oh well…I won’t count my chickens.  This is Chicago, after all.