Starting Monday…a journey to the finish…

Ok, so I’m sitting here watching “Queen Sized” on Lifetime…a story about a fat girl running for homecoming queen. It’s a great story, where I’m sure the underdog ends up winning and becoming the ultimate victor. All fine and dandy, as I have a story like that of my own. Here’s my beef with the story: everytime this girl gets stressed out, she immediately runs to food. There’s a scene where she seeks solace in her hidden stash of cupcakes in her bedroom desk drawer. Or another where she finds herself overhwhelmed by the homecoming court competition, so she ultimately runs home, flings open the freezer door, and collapses on the kitchen floor, with the tub of mint chocolate chip in tow.

Is it just me, or is this just a bit excessive? I know networks have to exaggerate these stories for dramatic effect, and of course, ratings. But, isn’t it all just a tad un-realistic? Maybe I’m on my own here, but when I get stressed out I yell, I cry….if it’s warranted, I throw things. But I don’t run to food. I never had. I got fat by simply eating too much too often…and eating all the wrong kinds of foods to boot.

Obesity isn’t a cookie cutter epidemic. We don’t all fit into this same mold that was portrayed in this movie. Sure, I guess there are people out there that do make ice cream their “go to” when times get tough…but that doesn’t hold true for everybody. Some of us just like food a little too much. Plain and simple. Of course, this is the media…and they love to personify stereotypes the best they can.

I’m disappointed in you Lifetime.

**I was homecoming queen my senior year of high school, and it was awesome. I’m sure there were some who taunted me, and hoped that I didn’t win. But I did. I had a great group of friends, and support from a great deal of the class as a whole. (Ok, so my nickname in high school was Big Red..but I’ll let the secret out now. I came up with that name years before high school.) It was a great experience, and to feel the teeth of that tiara being placed ever so gracefully upon my head…AND NOT THE HEAD CHEERLEADER…it was great!**

(I have a picture, but this damned site isn’t letting me post it now.  Boo.)

Well, I’ve finally come to the realization that I HATE MY JOB!  Ok, so it’s not necessarily the job, persay…but it’s the field that I’m in.  It’s not me.  Let me backtrack a bit.I graduated from Northern Illinois University in 2003 (Damn….5 years ago already) with my Bachelors in Communications, emphasis in media studies, (ie, radio and television.)  My dream job was to become an on-air radio personality…something along the lines of a “soccer mom morning drive” show.  Well, when you pick your major at 17, you don’t truly know what you want to do with the rest of your life.  Sure, it sounded cool at the time…and it still does.  If I was somehow presented with that opportunity, I’d take it in a heartbeat.  Alas, that field is HARD to get into, and I don’t exactly have the connections to get my foot in the door. 

Right out of college, I found a job working for a company that contracts mailrooms/photocopy centers out of other companies.  I did that for about a year and a half, when I was offered a position to work in customer service for one of the companies I was contracted to be the mailgirl at.  I already knew everybody in the building, and was happy at the idea of being able to use my brain, and not just sort and deliver mail.  So, I started in customer service September 06.

OMG.  I am too the point where I’m going completely stir crazy sitting in a fucking cube EVERY DAY!  Granted I love my customers, and my field support (ie…NOT the people I work with physically in the office.  Talk about a bunch of back-stabbing two-faced assholes!) but sitting here in cubicle hell day in and day out is so completely un-filling. 

I need a change and I need it now.  I’ve always wanted to be a teacher.  Nothing excites me more in life than the office supply store.  Cool pens.  Stickers.  Bulletin board border.  The thought of making an impression on somebody’s life…giving them the gift of knowledge…it’s exciting.  I’m confident that I could put my skills and talents to use so much more successfully in the classroom…much more so than the office!

This place is sucking the life out of me, and I’ve just realized that it’s the root my my underlying unhappiness in life.  I NEED OUT!!

So my buddies, I’m asking for your help.  I desperately want to go back to school to become a teacher, but I don’t have the damndest idea how to begin.  If anybody out there knows ANYTHING, please please please share the wealth. 

I thank everybody in advance!  =)

I had a veggie burger for lunch.  On a whole wheat english muffin.  With 2 slices of cucumber.  A 1/4 C lettuce.  A splash of mustard.  A tsp of relish. 

Delicious!

 I can’t begin to explain how thankful I am for my 3 week Medifast experience.  It made me realize how truly incredible regular, healthy food is. 

If you’re struggling through this process, and find yourself falling off the wagon a great deal, buy yourself a shipment of Medifast.  I guarantee it’ll have you eating healthy without a problem in no time.  (After you quit those disgusting packets, that is.)

Yay for healthy food!

Medifast, that is.  I can’t do it.  I gave it three weeks…but it just isn’t for me.  And for those who’ve had success on the program, I give them major props!  Seriously…it’s a damned hard program to follow.  (If I ever see one more bag of dehydrated soup again in my life, I’ll scream!)

On a good note, I took the basics of the program, and applied them to real food.  I read an article in Women’s Fitness the other day that said something to the effect of, “Most diets don’t work because they aren’t something you can follow for the rest of your life.”  Duh.  Exhibit A: my cabinet full of little white packets.  Some of the items weren’t bad…but I just wasn’t feeling satiated on 3 shakes a day, some disgusting soup, and one meal.  Nope, not for me.  I’m a foodie at heart.  After going through that torture for 3 weeks, I’ve realized how good you truly do feel after eating HEALTHY food and acceptable quantities.  Once again, Duh.

So, I have to follow through on it this time.  ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO!  I kinda hinted at the bf that I wasn’t going to follow Medifast anymore because I literally couldn’t stomach it.  He started lecturing me, and telling me that he wanted me to stick with it, because he noticed that I was “looking smaller,” as he so graciously put it.  So, I MUST stick to this self-regimented program of mine.  He’s lost faith in my weight loss and willpower abilites (can’t say I blame him one bit) and I have to prove him wrong.

I also need to prove to myself that I’m strong enough to slay this monster once and for all.

Day one of “Kelly’s program: a success!”

Stay tuned for further news coverage!  =)

…luckily I found a piece of driftwood to hang on to…to keep me afloat.

Ok, so I’m not generally one for analogies, so I’ll cut right to the chase.  I gave up..big time.  By last Friday, I was so sick of opening little white packets and eating dehydrated mush, that I went off the deep end.  I literally took my bowl of stew down the the cafeteria with full intentions of eating it…then proceeded to purchase a grilled chix sandwich, chips, and a ginormous Kit Kat.  (The stew was quickly tossed into a nearby garbage can, never again to see the light of day.)  From then until last night, I went on a major food bender…eating like the Titanic was going down, and I wasn’t going to EVER see a morsel again.  I won’t get into the specifics, but it wasn’t pretty. 

Needless to say, the 7lbs I had lost my first two weeks…well, they came back for a visit, with a vengence, might I add.

So, I’m back to square one.  Yippee.  Today is day one.  Again.  Double yippee. 

I’m not quite sure why I went so crazy the past few days.  I know for one I grew EXTREMELY tired of eating the same things over and over again.  One more bowl of soup and I was going to scream.  I know there are all sorts of neat little tricks you can do with your meals, but I’m a simple creature…and to me, the less preparation, the better.  I’m pretty sure my laziness and lack of planning sure did contribute to my ultimate demise last week.  I guess that just a bit of planning goes a long way.

I guess the thing about the program that bothers me most is that I lack a feeling of “normalcy” on it.  Being overweight, you feel like an outcast from society to begin with…let along carrying a full days worth of food in a ziplock bag.  And what if I want to hang out with some friends on the weekends and have a few drinks?  That’s virtually impossible…which makes this program all the more difficult.  When I was with the other program…the one that I lost my 100lbs with…I was able to have a few drinks every now and again…and was still able to lose the weight.  (Albiet…not nearly as quickly…well, for most people anyway.)

I’m sorry if this post seems like one big rant…I just feel like I really need to air my frustrations…and what better place than right here with everybody that’s going through it too?  I have been OP 100% today…and plan to stay that way for a LOOONG time.  It’s now t-minus 4 months and some odd days until that wedding I’m the maid of honor for.  I need to be down 50lbs by then. 

With your help and encouragement (which I’ll be needed by the bucketloads) perhaps I can make that dream a reality. 

Thanks for reading, kids!

Well kids, I finished my first two weeks on Medifast. Let me tell you…this plan takes a lot of getting used to. It’s unlike anything I’ve done in the past, and definitely requires some patience and trial by fire with the meals your given. 5 meals a day are out of little white dehydrated packets, that you simply add water to, and eat. (Or drink….I’m having A LOT of shakes.) All in all, it’s going fairly well.

My first week, I lost 7lbs, which I was obviously pretty excited about. During week one, I didn’t exercise. The program suggests that if you don’t exercise to begin with, wait 3 weeks, then start a program. It also suggests that for those who were already on an exercise regime, to cut back a bit in the beginning. So I did. I had no physical activity outside of my first softball game. (Which we won by the way, 5-1!) 7lbs down.

Week 2. I started working out again. Made it to Curves MWF, softball on Tuesday (We got wailed on 14-1…I struck out twice and looked like a total baffoon…played the entire game in the freezing cold rain. And to top it off, the rain stopped, sun came out, and a huge rainbow planted itself over the field as soon as the game ended. It was like being in a frickin movie!) Thursday evening I went for a 30 min bike ride with my brother..so needless to say, I got A TON of exercise. Oh…and I had my monthly visitor this week too. So what happened on the scale, you ask? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was EXACTLY THE SAME!! 7 lbs in 2 weeks. Boo.

Normally I would have gone off the deep end…cursing, crying…you know, the whole 9. But I didn’t. I know how huge the difference was with my body between week one and week two, so I’m chalking it up to:

a) my period

b) 3 days @ Curves doing muscle bearing activity

c) a week with no exercise followed by a week with a ton of exercise. My body simply said “WTF?”

I have noticed my pants feeling a bit looser, which is always a sure fire sign that something good is happening. It’s hard to make that mental note in your head that scale isn’t end all be all of weight loss success. There will be times when you see no numerical change, but your losing inches. I don’t quite understand the physics behind it, but I’m not going to argue, all the same.

Yesterday I went to a Chicago Cubs game (I was dragged there, I tell you! You should all know by now that I’m a die hard White Sox fan, so going to Wrigley Field is generally against all of my beliefs…but it’s still baseball, and I LOVE the game! In fact, I was watching the news highlights of the game last night, and it turns out Jerry Seinfeld was at the game too. How cool is that? And to top it off, the Cubs ended up losing, so it was a GREAT game!) Anyhoo, I tried my damndest, but it’s completely un-American to go to a baseball game and not have a beer and a hot dog. So I did. I ended up having a few more beers later that evening. I know it’s definitely not on the plan, but I’m still a firm believer in having that one day out of the week where you allow your body extra calories…to keep it in a state of confusion. So, we’ll see how my little scheme worked, come this Friday, my weigh in day.

One more thing before I go. I had my official monthly weigh in @ Curves on Friday. The tape showed that I have lost a few inches here and there, which is cool. I was talking to the woman who measured me, and asked if she would be my “accountability buddy” of sorts…and weigh and measure me every Friday, as a way of keeping tabs on me. She happily agreed, and said she’d work with me to help me be down 50lbs by October. (Remember kids…the wedding that I’m the maid of honor for?) So, here’s a shout out to Karen, the cool lady who works at Curves, and who’s going to help keep tabs on my and my progress.

Here we go, on to week 3. Keep your fingers crossed, as I’m hoping for a 4lb loss. 263.

(Oh yeah…I’m attaching a picture of the dress I’ll be wearing for the wedding. I don’t remember if you’ve all seen this before, so here it is. Talk about motivation!)

I’m sad. I feel like a part of me is leaving…a very important part, and I don’t really know how to feel. I know that this relationship we’ve had over the past 26 years has had it’s ups and downs…but we’d always somehow manage to find common ground. Lately, we’ve been doing nothing but fighting. Constantly bickering back and forth…all day long…and sometimes we’d even cross paths in the middle of the night. She’s been an important part of my life for as long as I can remember…we need one another more than either one of us can describe, but sadly, the time has come. It’s time to say goodbye. Not necessarily for good…for long enough that we can both come to grips with our relationship. I rely on this friend at all hours of the day…constantly thinking about her. Pining for her. I need her more than I should, and the time has come.

Goodbye food.

Goodbye to my endless dependency on you. Goodbye to my desire. Goodbye to my ache. Goodbye to my obsessive compulsive need to think about you constantly. Goodbye to everything bad I’ve allowed you to do to me.

I will be starting a new relationship soon. A new friend is coming to town.

Fuel.

After much inner conflict and debate, I’ve decided to give up my dependency on food. Counting calories, fat, carbs, portions. I’m done with it. I’ve let it rule my life for way too long. It’s been an endless battle, a battle in which she became the ultimate victor.

Now before you organize an intervention for me, I’m not quitting food altogether. Believe me, I wish I could…but sadly, I do find that I’m a real bitch when my blood sugar is low…so eating will always be a part of my life. However, from here on out, it’s going to be food for fuel. I’m going to eat just enough for my body to survive…of course getting all of my necessary vitamins and nutrients.

I’m starting Medifast. I’ve been doing a great deal of research on just about every conceivable “diet,” and found that this is going to train me to eat to survive…not eat until I’m fat and happy. (Who coined that phrase, anyway? Nobody that I know of is fat AND happy. It contradicts itself. But I digress…) I’ve wasted enough time screwing around with every new diet that comes out on the cover of the latest magazines at the grocery store. I’ve wasted enough money buying various books, powders and pills.

I’ve wasted enough of my life being fat.

I’m done with “starting on Monday…”

I’m going to do it this time.  Come hell or high water I will lose this weight once and for all.  I’m tired of living in the future…when I secretly think to myself “life will be great once I’m thin.”  I’ve wasted so much time pining for a life that I envy in others.  It’s time for me to have the life, body, energy, and overall health that I know I deserve.

No more screwing around.  No more excuses.  I’m going to give it my all…and then some.

It’s not going to be easy…and I’m beginning to wonder if I can really do this.  But then I stop and think about all of the other obstacles in life that I’ve overcome…and I’m confident in the fact that if I truly put my mind to it, it can be done.  It’s a lifestyle change, and I know it’s going to be rough in the beginning, but I’ll perservere.

I have no other choice.

It’s now or never.

So I leave you with this.

“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”
Og Mandino

I did something very spontaneous…and I’m scared and nervous, yet excited at the same time.  I was searching through Craigslist on Monday, looking for an open volleyball or badminton (yeah, I said badminton.  I’ve always loved playing badminton, and have been itching to do so for a while now) nights…and stumbled upon an ad for a softball team looking for one more girl to complete the team.  The park district team I usually play for has had a full roster for the past few years, and has only needed me when they were short handed.  (Which pisses me off…I was one of the girls to start off that team…but I digress.)  So I ended up e-mailing “Casey,” the person that listed the add.  I mentioned that I’d love to play…that I played 12″ slow pitch through my park district for years…and played 2 years of fast pitch in hs.  I also mentioned…oh how did I put it?  “I’ll be honest…I’m a big girl and I’m slow as molasses on the bases. But I can throw, catch, and field.”  So, I received a response last night, saying that they would love to have me, and said I’d be their 1st base-gal.  (That’s what I wanted!)  I called “Casey” because the e-mail failed to mention what night we’d be playing on.  Turns out Casey is a guy.  I had no idea, but I automatically assumed that Casey was a girl.  It’s weird how your mind does that…just be reading the tone of an e-mail you assume something.  Anyhoo…our first game is April 29th…and I’m definitely nervous.  I haven’t thrown in a year…so I’ll be digging out the glove tonight…and bringing it to work tomorrow to do some practice throwing and grounders (with a racquetball, keep in mind) in our racquetball court here at work.  Here’s the weird thing…it’s 14″…I think he called it a ’mushball.’  In this league, the girls are allowed to wear a glove, but the guys aren’t.  I’m curious as to what a 14″ ball feels like…is is squishy like a 16″?  Let me know if anybody is familiar with this at all. 

 Anyhoo, I’m excited, and can’t wait to play again!  Maybe if the warm weather EVER arrives…oh well…I won’t count my chickens.  This is Chicago, after all.

There’s a girl in my office.  We’re about the same age.  (Ok, she’s actually 4 years older, but who’s counting?)  We’re both the young, single gals in the ofc.  I’ve been here about a year longer.  I know the job one year’s worth more.  I know the people one year’s worth more.  She has a good personality.  I have a better personality.  (If she had a better personality, I’d have no problem admitting to it.  She tends to come off a bit snotty.)   On the phone, we probably both come off equally as cute.  (I’m sure I’m funnier.)  We have this engineer in town for the week, doing some training.  I finally got to meet him in person (yesterday) after talking on the phone for months.  I always try to find the disappointment in these engineers faces when, after months of talking to me on the phone, they see me in person, and find out that I’m fat.  Most do a REALLY good job of hiding it.  And for a select few, it doesn’t seem to phase them.  But, I notice.  

So, I come back from lunch today, and see this engineer over by “her” desk.  I don’t care.  Or at least I shouldn’t, but I do.  I’m not trying to make a love connection by any means.  I guess I’m just tired of being the cool one, the funny one…but when it comes right down to it…the fat one.  “Sure…she’d be perfect…if she’d only lose some weight.”  That’s not a direct quote, but you all understand exactly where I’m coming from.  I just want to be the one who’s desired in person…not just out of people’s line of vision.  I want to be flirted with…I want to know what it’s like to “fight off the guys.”  I just want one person…one guy whom I would find attractive back…just to look at me and desire me.  Needless to say, it pissed me off when I saw this guy over there.  The skinny girl wins again.

Sorry for the Debbie downer post…I think I’m pms’ing.   

Sorry everybody, but I just had to blog about this RIDICULOUS article I read in today’s Chicago Sun Times.

Check it out:  http://illstartonmonday.blogspot.com/

Let me know what you think.